Realization

I ran into an old friend Friday night. This is a person I met when I was about 15 years old, which was right in the middle of what I am realizing was my one true love. Some old memories were brought up, and I have been thinking about how I became the completely insecure person I am today.

This stupid boy broke my heart. No, he shattered it. I have not had a "healthy" relationship since that time. My marriage was never even rooted in love. I don't know what it was, but it sure wasn't mutual.

I remember months after we broke up sitting with him in the dark as he told me that he was better and he wanted me back. I was crying and I almost half considered it. I said no, I couldn't do that, I couldn't go back to that. In the end he had just thrown me away for someone else. Someone who was white trash and had a stripper name. He crushed me. I'm broken.

I don't know what I have been looking for all these years since I was 16 years old, but I know I have always had to be in control. I hate that. I don't want to control things. I want love more than anything. I want to share life with someone. I don't want to be the 3rd wheel. I love my friends but I always feel like the odd man out. I want someone who wants to hug me and hold me, and be with me. I don't want to look anymore. Someone needs to show up in mt life. I am tired of having a broken heart. It's time to sew it back up. I'm old. I don't want to be alone, and I surely don't want to settle again.